is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
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One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
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A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize