My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What a dumb baby whore.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
