The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
