Hey man sorry I got all grabby
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
