I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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