Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Semen is not good for contacts.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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