May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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