take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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