Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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