6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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