Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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