You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
