my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
