Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
