woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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