i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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