I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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