The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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