A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
