he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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