I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
