Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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