my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
