When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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