i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
