well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
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I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
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Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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