Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
