Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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