Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
