He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
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He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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