(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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