remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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