I wish I could teleport
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
