I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
