I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
