she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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