I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
