dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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