If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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