God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
As shirtless as possible
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
