a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He has the fingertips of a God
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