Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i love accidental penises.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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