i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
