Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
