i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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