sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
