My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
