Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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