Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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