Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
