i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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