he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
