I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
