i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
