i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
