; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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